Some modest proposals for All-Star Weekend
01/27/2025 08:19 AM
All-Star Weekend is getting stale. Here are some new events to liven things up.
The Golden State Warriors are hosting the 2025 All-Star Game at the Chase Center, an annual celebration of basketball, dunks, overly long player introductions, logo three-point attempts, terrible uniforms, alley-oops, passes off the backboard to yourself, and Damian Lillard trying way too hard for an MVP trophy.
But we're going to focus on All-Star Saturday, where some of the events have grown stale, and only the Three-Point Contest reliably delivers excitement. Here are some possibilities for refreshing the NBA's big night.
Dunk Contests
The Slam Dunk Contest is perfectly fine. Some years are better than others, and it's rare that stars participate, mainly because people love complaining about the dunk contest more than they like actually watching it.
The biggest problem is that it's an athletic contest that depends on artistic judging, giving it the same issues as figure skating: Inconsistent judging, or outright corruption (see: Blake Griffin's Kia-purchased win, screwing over Forever Warrior JaVale McGee). Aaron Gordon even recorded a sad rap song about Dwyane Wade screwing him over in the 2020 contest and throwing the title to the Miami Heat's Derrick Jones, Jr.
So we don't need to get rid of the dunk contest. We need to add more dunking, but on the standards of track and field. That means:
- High dunk. How high can the rim be for a guy to still finish a dunk?
Long dunk. Players have to take off behind a certain mark and still dunk the ball — throwing it in doesn't count, and we're talking about you, Dwight Howard.
- Speed dunk. 30 seconds on the clock, how many times can a player put the ball in the rim.
No judging, no choreography, just pure athleticism. Also increase the damn prize money!
25-Point Contest
The Three-Point Contest can stay, though we worry about the runaway trend in money ball inflation. A whole rack of money balls? In my day, they had to shoot threes uphill in the snow, and we liked it!
But for variety, let's borrow a tradition from MTV. The Rock n' Jock game featured the 25-point basket, where the rim was elevated to 2.5 times the normal height. We imagine the format is similar to the Three-Point Contest, but "around the world" style so the shot becomes a bit more makeable.
How to make people care? Just like how the All-Stars have to play against a team of rookies or G-Leaguers, the participants in the 25-Point Contest are competing against each other — plus Bill Bellamy and Dan Cortese, while color commentator Matt Pinfield talks about the esoteric history of underground rock and/or jock games from the late '80s.
The Life Skills Challenge
Sure, we want to see who can dribble through cones and make an accurate bounce pass. But given the history of NBA players who suffer financial troubles and personal problems after retirement, All-Star Weekend needs to also reward life skills.
Luka Doncic throws chest passes through three targets. Then, he has to explain the benefits of filing a tax return jointly or separately. Jalen Brunson can zip through a series of obstacles, but can he fold a fitted sheet faster than Trae Young? Imagine the thrill of seeing Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Anthony Edwards racing to see who can change a tire the fastest.
Trash Talk Battle
NBA players are big on talking trash. Let's see who's the best in a roast battle format, judged by Gary Payton, Rasheed Wallace, and referee Scott Foster, chosen because he's probably received the most abuse of any official. Sadly, that means Chris Paul doesn't have a chance in hell of winning.
King of Jalen Mountain
Who is the best Jalen in the NBA? The only way to tell is to set up a bracket, where Jalens (and Jaylens and Jaylins) get paired off in a series of one-on-one battles. The last Jalen standing earns a cash prize, the title of Alpha Jalen, and a night of champagne-and-campaigning, courtesy of the world's first Jalen, Jalen Rose. If there's an uneven number of players, we're open to expanding the field to Jadens as well.
H.O.R.S.E.
This really didn't work the first time the NBA tried it, but it's worth another effort just to trick Nikola Jokic into competing. He doesn't care about any All-Star events, but if you make him think a horse is involved, look out!
The best part is, with more events, less of the night is devoted to introductions, product placement, and tedious commentary. Adam Silver, give us a call. And let players go back to wearing their own team's uniforms in the game!
